So tonight was a very typical one
I arrived at a social club (like an old school working men's club) to find a slightly jaded function room that needed a lick of paint and a spruce up. But, really importantly as it turned out, a working stage complete with little dressing rooms in each side. OK not all the lights were working but there was enough for us. I set up my equipment and relaxed. I was nice and early despite getting held up on the motorway.
The first sign that this was not going to be an easy night was when I broke my shoe and had to perform in stocking feet (tights actually). It quickly became apparent that I had a 'difficult' audience member to contend with; she was loud and determined to be centre of attention. Usually if you give them their five minutes they tend to shut up for the rest of the evening. Not this one. The heckling was relentless. Fortunately most of it was intelligible so I was able to bat it back and get laughs.
Halfway through the second half I was getting bored with her and some of the less savory insults I directed in her direction just seemed to be goading her on. The final straw was when she started insinuating that I wanted to shag her. 'I wouldn't want to get within a hundred yards of you in case I catch something'. Cue applause from the audience. Her response was 'That's not what your Dad said'. To which I replied 'My Dad is dead but I guess that is the nearest your going to get to a hard on'. That got a gasp from the audience (he isn't dead, by the way). Her only response then was 'Well your a right cock'. To which I cut her legs away from under her with 'Unlike you who are a complete c**t'
She left soon after.
Such was her insistence on being centre stage that I didn't use any of my prepared gags until after she left.
I wasn't unduly bothered by her and we continued with the rest of the show and the strippers came on to do their stuff.
The only issue there was a couple of girls trying to climb on the stage. Fortunately I was stood beside the stage with my mike ready to repel boarders.
Once both guys had performed I breathed a sigh of relief, turned on the dance music and left them to enjoy the rest of the evening while we got changed.
All of a sudden there was loud shouting form the room. I peeped out to find a full scale skirmish at the bar. Handbags were being swung, hair was being pulled and drinks thrown as a bevy of fat slags laid into each other.
Within minutes half a dozen policemen swarmed through the door and separated the warring factions. I quickly packed up my equipment and loaded the car. The last thing I saw was an ambulance crew wheeling a comatose girl out to be transported to hospital.
It turned out it was one of the girls who had been getting a bit too frisky while the strippers were performing.
