Saturday, 11 May 2013

Disruptive audience members

Most performances suffer from disruption of some sort or another from audience members during a show.
There are, of course, as many ways to deal with these as there are heckler put-downs.
My favourite way is to first stare them out until they realise the rest of the audience is waiting for them. If this doesn't work then threatening a single person with the 'naughty step' is surprisingly effective. Invariably I don't even have to follow the threat through.
Another great line is to say "I am trying to work and I don't turn up and talk at the foot of your bed when you are trying to earn the rent"
Occasionally, just occasionally, karma comes into its own.
Tonight was once such time and the Gods of Karma served me very well.
I was at a very nice venue with a great bunch of girls who were up for a great night. There was me and two male strippers so the evening was destined to be fun.
All through the first half one table of five girls kept up a permanent chattering akin to a cage of budgies in the sun. A couple of times I tried to gently shame them into being quiet and, although it worked for a while, they always went back to their incessant chirruping.
Halfway through the second half, just when I was beginning to wonder if I would have to resort to being rude, I heard a clunk as something fell to the floor. Expecting it to be a phone I went over and asked, on the microphone, if they had dropped a phone. They were uncharacteristically quiet. Then I saw why. Nestled amongst the handbags scattered under their table was an almost full half bottle of vodka. Oops!
Revenge was going to be sweet.
I carefully slid the bottle into view with my foot and tutted loudly. I picked it up and walked slowly to the bar where I handed it over to the staff.
Funnily enough they behaved for the rest of the night.