Sunday, 23 November 2008

Hip update

My convalescence continues and my recovery comes along in leaps and bounds.

I have been out of hospital just 13 days and already I am walking around the house unaided - albeit looking like a drunken sailor rolling along the gangway of a storm-tossed frigate. Out in public I still use a walking stick, mainly for balance and sympathy!

I am hoping to be driving my car by the end of the week, even if it is only round the block, and then it is all systems go for learning to walk on stilettos again.

I have bookings from 11th December which I have every confidence of fulfilling.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Back in the land of the living ...

Well, 3 days in hospital turned into 10 days as I was beset with complications.

Thankfully every thing has been resolved and I am back in the bosom of my home and learning to cope with life on crutches.

Thank you to all those who sent their best wishes. It meant a lot.

Hopefully I will be able to squeeze in a couple of bookings before Christmas, otherwise I shall be back firing on all cylinders in the New Year

Monday, 27 October 2008

Just to clear up any confusion ...

For quite a few years now I have been experiencing pain in my hips.
Recently I was diagnosed with Osteo Arthritis. This week is the time for me to have this rectified. I go into hospital on Thursday to have the joint re-lined, I will be in for 3-4 days and recuperating for 4-5 weeks - this means I will be unavailable for work for the whole of November and, perhaps, a little longer.

However, this does not mean I am retiring. As long as Pariss can haul her saggy ass onto a stage and either stand up or hop on a chair, she will.

I have completely rejigged the act so that I no longer rush around the stage or rely on dressing rooms (haha) being close by. I now do all my costume changes onstage, in full view of the audience.

So, all those who were writing me off, in the words of the immortal Shirley McLaine, I'm still here! I look forward to working for and with all of you in a few weeks

Saturday, 30 August 2008

Me and my big mouth ...

Often I am asked about awkward things that happen at shows. So I thought I'd jot a few down.

Recently I was working in a nudist colony (honest!) with a band fronted by two lovely girls. Towards the end, as I was over-running (again!), they crept round behind me and climbed on the stage ready for their second spot. I decided to big the girls up and pointed out one and complimented her on her outfit; the other I asked when her baby was due. Of course, she wasn't even pregnant (oops) and had a 6 month old toddler - don't you wish the ground would open up sometimes?

March 2009 - Now this is something that has probably happened before but no-one has pointed it out. Last night I was working in a rough, back street pub in Nottingham - my ideal audience! - I was doing my normal stuff taking the piss out of various women and their busts, large or small. The one woman who I picked on for her flat chest came up to me at the end of the night and complimented me on my act, which was very nice of her, and then told me that she had recently had a mastectomy! I started to apologise and she said not to as if she didn't laugh at life she could so easily cry. I still felt an idiot.

September 2009 - I was working in a venue up north to a less than full audience. One of the women was very amply figured and I asked if she was pregnant. She said no. I tried to dig myself out of the hole but only made things worse. Oops. At the interval a member of the management came over and told me the woman was distraught and in tears because I had picked on her and she had a medical condition that caused her to swell up. I was devastated. I never want any audience member to go away not having enjoyed themselves. So I went over to her and tried to apologise. She said she was fine so I told her what I had been told told. Again she repeated she was fine about it. A few minutes later we were both outside while she had a cigarette. She was telling her friend about it all so I piped up and said, in a loud voice, that some people should mind their own business and not get affronted on behalf of someone who wasn't upset. And they should keep their noses out. The woman concerned was standing close by and had the good grace to blush!

My favourite incident was in a gay bar up north several years ago. There was a table of half a dozen lesbians at the front of the stage. One was sat with her back to me throughout my act, which I thought was rude. Understandably I lambasted them, and especially her, when I got on the mike. It was only then that someone shouted out that they were deaf. I went up to her, faced her and exaggeratedly said 'Are you deaf?' She nodded. I lifted my dress and said 'You may be deaf but you can still f***ing lipread!' The pub collapsed in laughter (thank goodness)

I was working in a pub near Leicester on a hen night with no strippers (bizarre, I know). During the interval they pulled a raffle and I volunteered to call the numbers. I had noticed that during my act, every time I made a joke relating to sex a small Asian woman leaned over and whispered to her white friend. I assumed she was finding it all a bit risque so next time she did it I asked her friend what she was whispering about. She said it was that her English wasn't great and she was asking for the joke to be explained. Immediately I went into a rant and said 'Typical, they come over here, open corner shops everywhere and still ask for sex lessons' As it came out of my mouth I did wonder whether it was too racist but they all laughed.

At the same gig during the raffle one woman came up to collect a prize. Sitting down she had looked quite pretty, about 30 years old. When she stood up it was apparent she had the widest hips I have ever seen on a woman. So I asked her if she had children. She said no, I said 'Well, when you do, they will pop out with no problem' She didn't understand but the rest of the audience did!

Way back at the beginning of my career I used to work the straight pubs in London. One place that I worked regularly had a small-ish corner stage, 4ft high, which I had to leap from, dash through the audience and into the kitchen/changing room. I was doing a routine during which I got this guy up on the stage and started to undress him. I had timed it so that when I unbuttoned his shirt he would panic and run off the stage leaving me free to bow and go for my change. This time I picked on someone who was up for whatever I did. He just stood there. I went further than normal and removed his shirt. He just stood there. I dropped his trousers. He just stood there. Finally, in desperation, I spun him round to face the audience, dropped his pants, pushed him forward off the stage where he was caught, stage-surfing-style, by the audience. I then proceeded to walk up his back (in stilletoes) and into the audience for my next change. I fully expected some grief when I came offstage later. Sure enough, he was waiting at the bar for me. I approached him with some trepidation. He shook my hand and bought me a pint!!

I'll add some more tales as I remember them

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Nottingham Pride 2008

All that being down on my knees before the weather fairy payed off and Nottingham Pride dawned with a beautiful day. The weather stayed hot (very hot) all day so that, for once, the emergency services actually had to attend to people - mostly too much sun.
Despite an almost completly new committee in charge of the festivities, all went well. They obviously did the sensible thing and picked the brains of the outgoing committee. Well done guys for a superlative day out.
Record numbers of attendees and more market stalls than ever before meant that the throngs had plenty to occuppy themselves between PA's on the main stage, cabaret on the Foresters' stage and dance acts on the Niche stage.
Even more than on previous years, many people took the trouble to dress up. The view from the main stage include a throng of very classy drag queens in costumes that would not look out of place in the new Priscilla musical; many people who had gone for a pink theme and the obligatory odd-balls whose choice of costume must surely stay as a secret between them and their therapists!
Despite all the bars running out of alcohol by about 4pm, most people stayed til the end and the now-traditional audience-participation rendition of I Am What I Am.

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Extreme entertainment

Working as a Drag Act is a little odd because, unless we go out socially (which I hardly do) we seldom get to see other drag acts working. We get to see plenty of strippers but rarely other drag acts.
Also we seldom get to see the acts that work the Stag Show circuit. However, as hen and stag shows are often booked in pairs, one following the other, we often get to hear about each others' shows.
I have worked a few Stag Shows and, it has to be said, that watching some aging slapper writhing on the floor with her legs apart and her giblets flapping around is not my idea of an erotic experience. But each to their own.
Last night I was told of a female dancer who seems to have taken the idea of Cirque de Extreme to new levels!
At the start of her spot, before she had even gone on stage, she inserted a Snickers bar inside herself. By the time she got out amongst the punters it was melting and running down her legs. She asked if 'anyone wants to eat my shit?', leapt on the bar and wrapped her legs around the barman's face. He ended up with melted chocolate all over his face. Next she poured about a litre of soapy water into herself, squatted on a table and proceeded to fire squirts of water at the punters; apparently so accurately that she could shoot a cigarette from a guy's lips! Having soaked every guy in the bar (and not in the usual way!) she then proceeded to insert her own arm up her ass, lean back on her elbow and swivel on it!
How the hell am I supposed to follow an act like that? LOL

Now, the reason I am relating this is because of the way it affected my act. Because so many of the guys were outraged by her act they refused to allow their wives and girlfriends to go to a Ladies' Night in case the male strippers performed in a similar extreme manner. Hence, last night, we performed to just 10 girls.

In case you have never been to a Ladies' Night, let me reassure you that, even in the most liberal clubs, that level of extreme performance does not happen with male strippers on the Hen circuit.