My purpose in life

Booking a drag act you should expect several things. Hopefully you will be entertained with an array of glamorous frocks; there should also be an opportunity to get involved, sing, dance, heckle. What you should not expect at a drag show is to be able to sit on the front row and not be included into the show

I was recently working a hen night up north. Me and two male strippers has spent many hours driving to one of the more remote areas of the north west.
As is my wont, straight after my introductory mime numbers, I started working  round the audience with a live microphone finding out about our punters. I had spotted this young girl seated in the front row paying more attention to her phone than to me so I stopped mid-gag and pointedly walked over to her. Often I will berate someone for using their phone to chat or text but this time I decided to use my current favourite put-down.
I looked her square in the eye and said 'You are looking lovely tonight. I can see you have made an effort. You have even had a shave but can you keep your legs together as it is distracting me' This was made even more cutting as the girl had thighs the size of tree trunks and was wearing a completely unsuitable micro mini skirt in ripped denim. She was patently unable to keep her knees within hailing distance of each other.

She welled up and I thought she was going to cry.
For the rest of the evening she looked daggers at me.

This might have been the end of things if, at the end of the show, her mother took me to one side and tried to explain her daughter's reaction.
'She has only just turned 18' she said
'And?' I said
'Up until recently she was a virgin'
'What does that have to do with anything?' I asked
Before she could explain her daughter returned and I never did find out how her age and late viginity explained her tears

Usually I don't consider it a good show unless I have at least upset one member of the audience.

Random ramblings

As I stumble around the country entertaining the great unwashed things happen (or don't happen) which I think are sometimes worth recording.
 A few weeks ago I was booked to do a hen night.
It was in a beautiful location but was sparsely attended, mainly because the organisers were unversed in the best way to get slappers to buy tickets!
As a result it was painfully obvious when one person decided to behave badly. She was going to be trouble right from the beginning; first off she wanted to get up and dance as soon as the music came on an hour before the show. This would have been no problem at all except she didn't like all the music playing and tried to change the track on my PA system, thus ruining the scheduling of the evening. I had to run out of my dressing room with half a face on to rectify the situation.
Then when I came onstage to start the performance she kept trying to climb on the stage.
Eventually, especially when the strippers came on, she had to be forcibly sat on to prevent her storming the stage.

This weekend I was out in the wilds of Norfolk when I came upon yet another symptom of too much alcohol.
I had a nice packed house and the crowd were enjoying themselves. Towards the back were a couple of older women who, quiet at first, gradually got more raucous and demanding of attention.
One of them, a short dumpy woman with spiky hair, I called a lesbian (due to her appearance). It got a laugh so, every time she demanded attention, I called her various permutations of being a dyke.
At the end of the night, finally nearing her alcohol capacity, she got all emotional and complained to the manager that I had called her a dyke when she wasn't one. I volunteered to talk to her to smooth things over.
We were talking and she was apologising for being so drunk and emotional when her husband came over and said that if I hadn't apologised he was 'going to take things further'. I was all I could do not to laugh out loud. Silly old sod!

At the same venue I was told a story in the interval about one of the girls in a group to the side of the stage. This often happens and, be warned, these tales will always be repeated on stage that night.
So it was that I related to this packed audience the tale of one of the girls who, having read 50 Shades of Grey with her boyfriend, decided to try out some of the tamer stuff in the book. Thus it was that she found herself handcuffed to the bed by her partner when her mother walked in! Awkward!

Some publicans really deserve to fail in business.
Last night were were in a pub performing on a hen night organised by the local Ann Summers rep. As with these nights the Ann Summers rep does all the organising, pays the performers and does all the promotion. All the venue has to do is provide the room.
As the venue doesn't have to pay for anything it is accepted practise that the acts and Ann Summers reps get free drinks for the night as a thank you for bringing in dozens of customers and bar takings.
Last night the manager/owner made the silly mistake of refusing to give us free drinks and made us all pay for them. He will never get another hen night booking again and has lost the potential for all that increased bar takings. On top of that he had to endure the humiliation of my referring to his tightness on stage!
This was the same occasion when we had a very drunk bride-to-be sat in the front row. Apparently the party had been drinking for 16 hours, egged on by the bride's alcoholic sister.
Several times she had to be forcibly restrained and placed back in her seat. She fell over innumerable times and must have woken the following day covered in bruises, if not broken bones.

Bad organisation

I feel the need for a rant!
I have just got in from a gig. It was a long way away so I wanted it to be good
As usual I travelled with my full PA system in the car - so often I have been told that the venue 'has a great sound system' only to arrive and find I was expected to perform to a soundtrack generated from a £20 Argos Beatbox (you think I jest? It has happened countless times).
So, I arrived at the venue. I had been told I was wanted onstage at 8pm but it turned out I wasn't needed til 8.45 - no great issue.
When I talked to the Manager of the venue I said I needed to be sure that the DJ had a CD deck and a cordless microphone. 'Yes', he said, 'he has both for you to use'
Then, when the organiser of the event arrived I ask the same question and, again, was reassured that both items would be available for my use.
I launched into my act and, sure enough, there was a great CD deck which produced great quality sound.
Then came the moment when I needed a microphone and the DJ handed me a cord mike on the end of 6ft of cable! 'No,' I said, 'I need the radio mike' 'We don't have one' he said. Whereupon I exploded.
I had my own mike in the car. I could have used it if need be. I refused to carry on, introduced the stripper and walked out to get my microphone.
Why the hell didn't someone tell me after I had asked two separate people if I needed it? Looking back it was no surprise, then, that they hadn't sold enough tickets to cover their costs if that was the level of organisation.

I knew there was a good reason I hate children

I have been unable to work for the last 4 weeks.
I had an accident and couldn't drive
I came off my bicycle and broke my hand. In 7 places.
I was cycling along a path in the park when I espied a 3 yr old girl on a pink bike coming towards me.
Being a considerate soul I moved over to the opposite side of the path to let her ride by unobstructed.

All well and good. Here's where it went tits up!

As we drew level this Damien-like spawn of Satan suddenly turned in front of me and, pedalling furiously, caused me, Billie Whitelaw-like, to unbalance and go base over apex over the handlebars onto the grass. As I landed heavily on my left hand I heard the crack of splintering bones.
An hour in hospital and I re-emerged into the warm evening with plaster up to my elbow and a hand the size of a sledge hammer!
However, the good news is the plaster comes off tomorrow and I will be back working soon after
I stll hate children!

Update 31/1/12 - My hand, though still undergoing weekly physiotherapy, is good enough for me to work. I can drive so that is all I need. I apologise to all the venues I had to cancel during October and November.

Missing the blooming obvious!

Somethings leave me speechless (or they should do!)
Today I was walking in town, in civvies (i.e. no frock. Well, a face of makeup is wasted on the Tesco checkout girl!). As I went past a little stationers I noticed a pigeon in the window.
I know, I know, a bird in the bush etc.
Now this pigeon had, somehow, got into the shop and was trapped in the window display.
As I stopped to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, the owner came out, saw I was taking an interest and uttered the immortal words 'Are you into birds?'
Well, my flabber has never been so gasted! Surely, after all these years, I can't possibly look straight. Or maybe he thought I looked like a lesbian
Whichever, I was affronted and minced off as camply as I could!

Off stage hilarity

Sometimes, despite my best efforts, the funniest things happen away from the audience.
Last weekend I was booked to do a hen night in a very nice venue in an even nicer part of the country.
Once I had set up and unpacked I still had plenty of time before I needed to start the mammoth task that is putting on enough makeup to fool an audience that I am a sophisticated woman of the world
I was standing chatting to the organiser when one of his regular customers popped her head round the door and asked if she could reserve a table. As she walked in I could see that she was a dwarf. The organiser asked her how many seats she needed. She said seven.
I nearly wet myself!!
And then almost cried because I realised I could not use that material onstage
I never deliberately cause offence and that would have. Shame!

Inappropriate bookings

Most times I get booked either for a full Ladies' Night with strippers (my favourite to work) or an Adult Cabaret Night. The common factor in both these types of bookings is the word ADULT. I am an ADULT act, I am not suitable for under 18's

In recent years, probably due to many families seeing drag acts in Benidorm, Tenerife and such places, I have had to stress to Agents and direct bookers the ADULT nature of my act.

A few months ago I was approached by one of my regular Agents (and I place no blame on him) regarding a potential booking at a High School Prom! The brief was that I was to do a cabaret spot and mix 'n' mingle with a room of 16-17 yr olds! I turned the booking down as I consider my act to be totally inappropriate for that age range.

Imagine my reaction when the very same booking was offered to me by a different Agent a week later. Having turned that down as well I was offered it again from a third source.

I was reminded of this again this week when I was again offered a booking from several sources that I had turned down as inappropriate.

I sometimes despair of the adults who think it is acceptable to subject youngsters to an ADULT, BLUE cabaret act.