I knew there was a good reason I hate children

I have been unable to work for the last 4 weeks.
I had an accident and couldn't drive
I came off my bicycle and broke my hand. In 7 places.
I was cycling along a path in the park when I espied a 3 yr old girl on a pink bike coming towards me.
Being a considerate soul I moved over to the opposite side of the path to let her ride by unobstructed.

All well and good. Here's where it went tits up!

As we drew level this Damien-like spawn of Satan suddenly turned in front of me and, pedalling furiously, caused me, Billie Whitelaw-like, to unbalance and go base over apex over the handlebars onto the grass. As I landed heavily on my left hand I heard the crack of splintering bones.
An hour in hospital and I re-emerged into the warm evening with plaster up to my elbow and a hand the size of a sledge hammer!
However, the good news is the plaster comes off tomorrow and I will be back working soon after
I stll hate children!

Update 31/1/12 - My hand, though still undergoing weekly physiotherapy, is good enough for me to work. I can drive so that is all I need. I apologise to all the venues I had to cancel during October and November.

Missing the blooming obvious!

Somethings leave me speechless (or they should do!)
Today I was walking in town, in civvies (i.e. no frock. Well, a face of makeup is wasted on the Tesco checkout girl!). As I went past a little stationers I noticed a pigeon in the window.
I know, I know, a bird in the bush etc.
Now this pigeon had, somehow, got into the shop and was trapped in the window display.
As I stopped to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, the owner came out, saw I was taking an interest and uttered the immortal words 'Are you into birds?'
Well, my flabber has never been so gasted! Surely, after all these years, I can't possibly look straight. Or maybe he thought I looked like a lesbian
Whichever, I was affronted and minced off as camply as I could!

Off stage hilarity

Sometimes, despite my best efforts, the funniest things happen away from the audience.
Last weekend I was booked to do a hen night in a very nice venue in an even nicer part of the country.
Once I had set up and unpacked I still had plenty of time before I needed to start the mammoth task that is putting on enough makeup to fool an audience that I am a sophisticated woman of the world
I was standing chatting to the organiser when one of his regular customers popped her head round the door and asked if she could reserve a table. As she walked in I could see that she was a dwarf. The organiser asked her how many seats she needed. She said seven.
I nearly wet myself!!
And then almost cried because I realised I could not use that material onstage
I never deliberately cause offence and that would have. Shame!

Inappropriate bookings

Most times I get booked either for a full Ladies' Night with strippers (my favourite to work) or an Adult Cabaret Night. The common factor in both these types of bookings is the word ADULT. I am an ADULT act, I am not suitable for under 18's

In recent years, probably due to many families seeing drag acts in Benidorm, Tenerife and such places, I have had to stress to Agents and direct bookers the ADULT nature of my act.

A few months ago I was approached by one of my regular Agents (and I place no blame on him) regarding a potential booking at a High School Prom! The brief was that I was to do a cabaret spot and mix 'n' mingle with a room of 16-17 yr olds! I turned the booking down as I consider my act to be totally inappropriate for that age range.

Imagine my reaction when the very same booking was offered to me by a different Agent a week later. Having turned that down as well I was offered it again from a third source.

I was reminded of this again this week when I was again offered a booking from several sources that I had turned down as inappropriate.

I sometimes despair of the adults who think it is acceptable to subject youngsters to an ADULT, BLUE cabaret act.

Me and my big mouth - part 1

Many times when funny, odd or even outrageous things happen on a gig, I want to share them with friends. I do wish sometimes I could wait til an appropriate time to pass on my experiences.

A few years back I was booked to do a New Year's Eve gig in a tatty back street pub in Nottingham. Exactly the type of venue I go down well in!

When I arrived I spoke to the landlady, a classy lady with, unsurprisingly, less than a full mouthful of teeth. Small and feisty, this sophisticated chav proceeded to introduce me to her extended family including her current shag and her 17 yr old daughter. The daughter couldn't have been more unlike her mother; hefty, unwashed and loud, she was inappropriately dressd in a tiny tatty denim skirt and flimsy top slashed almost to the waist.

When I walked onstage it was to find that the daughter was sitting in the front row; legs akimbo and proudly displaying the fact that she was freshly shaved and wearing only the flimsiest of thongs, leaving nothing to the imagination!

This was bad enough but I swear it winked at me. Repeatedly!

So, it was at this point of the story, as I related it to a friend recently while on Leicester Market, that a little old lady standing beside me piped up and said 'Oh I hate it when they wink at you'

To this day I have no idea exactly how much of the conversation she had heard. Not much I hope.

My missing Mojo

Since I started back at work after my operations I have felt less than comfortable on stage. This has been down to several things; the vast amounts of medication I have been on, worries about whether my hip(s) would collapse under me and the pain that driving long distances caused me.
Last time I had hip surgery it took a few months to start getting back into the swing of things. That time it was complicated by the fact that as fast as one hip improved the other deteriorated. This time was different in that I already had a good hip to lean on, so to speak.
Now I am finally off medication and things are returning to normal (well, normal for me).
A couple of weeks ago everything suddenly fell back into place and my old stage persona was back with a vengeance. I was working down south when, at half time, the owner of the venue came up and said that 6 people had walked out complaining that I had insulted and outraged them and wanted their money back. Hurrah! I thought, this is the old Pariss back in the saddle. The owner, apparently, told them to f*** off and personally escorted them from the building!

Back on stage

Well, this weekend saw my first gig back with two new hips!!
A big thanks to the lovely people of Great Yarmouth for making the evening such fun and so easy, despite my stage fright. This happened last time I returned to work.
The first gig I was paralysed with stage fright and almost gave the money back and went home. This time was far less severe and I just got very stressed and had the shakes for the entire show. I know that next time I will be back to my normal slick, self.
So, people, beware the acid tongue of Pariss is back! One lad at the weekend was especially tongue-lashed - but I think he enjoyed the attention.