Ladies' Nights

You have got to love northern gals. They still have that working class ethos of when they go out they really want to party.
So tonight was a very typical one
I arrived at a social club (like an old school working men's club) to find a slightly jaded function room that needed a lick of paint and a spruce up. But, really importantly as it turned out, a working stage complete with little dressing rooms in each side. OK not all the lights were working but there was enough for us. I set up my equipment and relaxed. I was nice and early despite getting held up on the motorway.
The first sign that this was not going to be an easy night was when I broke my shoe and had to perform in stocking feet (tights actually). It quickly became apparent that I had a 'difficult' audience member to contend with; she was loud and determined to be centre of attention. Usually if you give them their five minutes they tend to shut up for the rest of the evening. Not this one. The heckling was relentless. Fortunately most of it was intelligible so I was able to bat it back and get laughs.
Halfway through the second half I was getting bored with her and some of the less savory insults I directed in her direction just seemed to be goading her on. The final straw was when she started insinuating that I wanted to shag her. 'I wouldn't want to get within a hundred yards of you in case I catch something'. Cue applause from the audience. Her response was 'That's not what your Dad said'. To which I replied 'My Dad is dead but I guess that is the nearest your going to get to a hard on'. That got a gasp from the audience (he isn't dead, by the way). Her only response then was 'Well your a right cock'. To which I cut her legs away from under her with 'Unlike you who are a complete c**t'
She left soon after.
Such was her insistence on being centre stage that I didn't use any of my prepared gags until after she left.
I wasn't unduly bothered by her and we continued with the rest of the show and the strippers came on to do their stuff.
The only issue there was a couple of girls trying to climb on the stage. Fortunately I was stood beside the stage with my mike ready to repel boarders.
Once both guys had performed I breathed a sigh of relief, turned on the dance music and left them to enjoy the rest of the evening while we got changed.
All of a sudden there was loud shouting form the room. I peeped out to find a full scale skirmish at the bar. Handbags were being swung, hair was being pulled and drinks thrown as a bevy of fat slags laid into each other.
Within minutes half a dozen policemen swarmed through the door and separated the warring factions. I quickly packed up my equipment and loaded the car. The last thing I saw was an ambulance crew wheeling a comatose girl out to be transported to hospital.
It turned out it was one of the girls who had been getting a bit too frisky while the strippers were performing.

Drug users

I know I have blogged about this before but, with new substances turning up all the time, I thought it was about time for an update.

So, what are the telltale signs?

Alcohol - well we all know what a drunk looks like. Looking down from the stage I can often actually see when someone tips over the edge from party loving drinker to obnoxious drunk. It can happen in seconds and of course some then become violent.
Ecstasy - actually this seems to be a less common problem these days but an E user is easy to spot and avoid. They are invariably way too touchy feely for comfort. However, they are seldom too disruptive
Cocaine - this is easy to spot. Coke heads always have to be centre of attention, talk absolute bollocks and think they are the funniest people on the planet. Very difficult to deal with and best ejected by the Management.
Hippy Crack - this is a new menace. Laughing gas or nitrous oxide is the latest recreational drug of choice and induces hysterical laughter for no apparent reason. I recently came across a couple of audience members who had been sniffing before the show and while their uncontrolled laughter was at first funny it quickly became tiresome and then disruptive. Again, nothing you can do but get Management to expel them.

It's not only me that does the wrong thing

A while back I was booked to do cabaret for a wedding party in a posh part of the south.
I warned them that I was an adult act, unsuitable for the under 18's. Oh that's fine. That's what we want. Oh, one other thing, can you do It's Raining Men in your act? Yeah, no problem.
When I turned up it was to find I was working in a very upmarket venue, a farm that had been converted into a wedding/party venue, miles form anywhere. They had a beautiful room that could have held 500 with about 200 milling around. I was to perform up on a low mezzanine with a wrought iron barrier around it. All well and good. It was obvious that no-one was going to be paying me or any other performer much attention so I was ready to just run through my act, do some photos, collect my fee and get out of there as fast as possible.
Then I found out exactly why they wanted me to do It's Raining Men; the groom (who was white) and his two best men (both white) were dressing up as The Weather Girls (you will recall that they are both very black) complete with black face. Although there was quite a roar of recognition when I announced them that quickly turned to an almost embarrassed silence.
Even I wouldn't attempt to black up for a number!

The trials of being glamorous

So, most of my costumes are trimmed in feather boas. This is incredibly handy to disguise all sorts of oddness in my body shape.
Of course, on a regular basis they get dirty, especially around the neck line, so I wash them. Yeah, I know, it sounds like the last thing to do but i wrap the costume up in a pillow case and tie it tight to minimise the battering the feathers and sequins get and chuck it in my machine on a cool wash.
Now, no matter how tight I tie the pillow cases a few feathers will always come loose.
Last weekend, it being so very hot, many of my costumes were drenched in sweat after a shows so, with a nice sunny and slightly breezy Sunday looming, I decided to wash several at once.
All was good til I opened the pillow cases and emptied out the costumes. I hung them on my washing line, turned the pillow cases inside out and ended up with a lawn resembling a turkey plucking yard. There were feathers of all sorts of colours everywhere.
What to do?
The logical thing was to hoover them up. So this afternoon, much to the bemusement of the neighbours, I dragged my Henry (pun intended) around the garden on an extension lead for 15 minutes and, voila, the cat is no longer going mad chasing feathers round the garden.

Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong

A recent booking turned out to be less than satisfactory due to disruptive audience members.
Usually I can handle them by embarrassing them or just abusing them. This night was different.
The first problem was with a pair of women who were sat on one side of the venue on a large round table, alone. I went over to try and integrate them with the rest of the audience with a name check and some gentle banter. As they were two middle aged women of a less than feminine demeanour I asked discretely, for me, if they were 'together'. To which they demurred. Then I noticed one of them had a walking stick so I joked that the strippers would steer clear of her because she wouldn't be able to run after them. Her 'friend' then told me to go away because the other one was upset. I have no idea why.
Next I was told that someone on the next table had complained that I had upset the woman with the walking stick. She didn't know them. What was it to do with her?
The final straw was right at the end when, as it was a charity night, the strippers volunteered to be auctioned off for the winner to give them a body massage. One of the women on the table who wanted to be outraged on behalf of others started to harangue me saying the auction was demeaning to men! What a load of bollocks!
Rather than try and have a conversation and kill the mood stone dead, I just told the DJ to turn the music up.
Honestly, lighten up people! It's supposed to be a fun way to raise money for a good cause.

Putting down disruptive audience members

The current obsession with taking selfies is most annoying, especially when you are trying to work!!
I was recently at a venue where the stage was barely a foot high. As I walked on to do my first number this attention seeking, selfish mare tried to clamber up the step to take a selfie with me.
I quickly ushered her back onto the floor and carried on with my number.
In a sulky protest she placed herself dead centre in front of the stage with her back to me.
When I picked up the microphone the first thing I said was for her to sit down. She refused. This gave me the opening I needed.
"Of course, silly me. You spend all your working day on your back or on a street corner. You don't know how to sit down."
She behaved herself for the rest of the night.

The things I see from the sidelines ....

Very occasionally I find myself doing two shows in one day.
At my advanced age I wouldn't want to do it very often but today proved .... educational.
So it was an unusual evening that went better than expected, despite the Glastonbury-style mud at the first venue where we were performing in an inflatable pub in the back garden of Big Brother's Chelsea Singh’s doppelganger and his white ex-hippy wife.
It hadn't occured to them to consider that I had to walk in high heels across their carefully manicure lawn. Some hastily thrown down planking and carpets soon sorted that problem.
The daughter was much better looking than either of them deserved and had obviously picked up some bad habits from her mother. As the stripper dragged the bride-to-be onto the floor and positioned her on all fours, she obviously went into auto-pilot mode and discreetly reached round and slid her thong to one side!

This was almost as bad as an occasion a few years back 

Late Cancellations

Sometimes a gig is cancelled. It is inevitable in the grand scheme of things that, for various legitimate reasons, occasionally an event can't go ahead.
Tonight was one of the worst, most unprofessional cancellations I have ever come across (almost).
I was booked to do a Hen Night in a large (very large) nightclub in a city over 100 miles away. Bearing in mind that it is a Friday and I knew that there was wholesale traffic diversions in the city, I left early, ensuring I had plenty of time to skirt round any commuter hold-ups and to try and wend my way through the closed roads and diversions near the venue.
The organisers had asked for me to arrive for 7pm so imagine my horror, disgust and downright fury when I got a text at 6.15 to say the event had been cancelled (no doubt through poor ticket sales) with no thought for us performers. I imagine that none of the strippers, who would have been recruited locally to keep their fees down, would have left home yet but I had done 100 miles by then. I was barely 10 miles from the venue when I had to turn back.
The Agent has been informed and has been instructed to press for my full fee as I did actually turn up even if I didn't exactly knock on the door.
Should the venue renege on their contractual obligations then I will be naming and shaming the venue in due course. I will also be involving Equity to recover my fee through the courts and to blacklist the venue.
Update 26/6/16 - The agent is currently suing the venue for our full fees

A lack of professionalism

Recently I was booked to do a ladies' night in the North East. I was asked to be there for 7pm. On arrival I spoke to the organiser/manager of the venue and she said she wanted to start the show at 8.30, which was when she was told the strippers would arrive.
I spoke to the DJ/sound engineer and, as he couldn't get his system to work properly, I said I would put my system in and use it for the evening. Despite the initial problems he eventually got his to work.
So far, so good.
I started to get ready and the boys (!) arrived just as I was due to go on. Hurriedly I told the first guy he would be onstage at 9pm and to get ready.
This was when the disagreements started. He said he wanted to go on at 9.20. That would have meant a 20 minute gap between when I finished my first spot and when he came on. I put my foot down and insisted he was ready to go on at 9pm.
He wasn't!
At 9pm he was still faffing around in the dressing room. I walked off the stage and asked for his music. He didn't have any! He had assumed that the DJ would have some. I said 'I am the DJ!' Eventually he went out on stage having picked a girl out of the audience before he even started and did exactly 5 minutes of apathetic gyrating before walking off the stage.
Back in the dressing room I warned him that the organiser would be very unhappy with that performance. He should have done 15-20 minutes, full monty and tied up. His response was that that was all he usually did. Well, if that were true he would never be working.

In the second half his co-conspirator did exactly the same thing.

I managed to 'save' the evening by coming up with a third spot right at the end, solely so that the event ended on a high.

The event organiser was livid with them. To my mind they were the most unprepared, amateur charlatans I have every come across. I don't know how little, if anything, the organiser paid them but it was too much. Fortunately, for me, I had nothing to do with booking them and the agency that supplied them, Fantasy Strippers of Newcastle, should be ashamed of themselves.

Show Etiquette

Working on Ladies' Nights I am very aware that my job is, as well as being entertaining, to keep control of the crowd. To this end I am expected to fill in when a stripper is late arriving or has a 'slight mishap' when getting ready for the show. I am also expected to make sure that the boys have enough room to actually perform. In many venues there is not a stage as such and we have to perform on the floor, sometimes an actual dance floor but often just a clearing in the jungle of tables and chairs.
Recently I was working in a club that actually had a stage and lights. Raised up above the audience sat at tables this made sure everyone in the room could see. Now while this is the ideal setup the boys are so used to working on a floor that they automatically get down off the stage and make the performance more intimate.
This makes my job a little more difficult if we have a boisterous audience and they are trying to get up close and personal with the performers as they go through their routines.
So, there I am at this venue, all is going well and the stripper is bouncing around on the floor in front of the stage with a room full of howling women egging him on when I spotted one, camera in hand, climbing up onto the stage behind the performer filming the action. I immediately switchedon my microphone and ordered her off the stage. She hesitated so I strode down the room towards her and said, off mike, to get off the stage.
'But,' she protests, 'I am the Manager'
'I don't care who you are. Get off the stage'
'But I'm the Manager. I work here' So I had to explain to her that if I let her climb up on the stage then the rest of the audience will think it is OK to do the same and chaos would ensue. She didn't get it and just kept repeating that she was the manager.
She obviously credited her audience with far more intelligence than I did. When a baying crowd of horny women see an opportunity to get closer to a naked man they will take it.

Every now and again, just occasionally, customers/clients/audiences surprise me

I got a call recently from an agent with a very urgent, last minute request to step into the breech and cover a job someone had let them down on.
I was available and, despite it being over 2 hours away, I quickly packed a suitcase, loaded up the PA system and headed out the door once I had confirmed with the client what they wanted.This is often essential with last minute bookings as they often need to compromise on their expectations. In this case although they had been looking for a live act they were happy to settle for my comedy mime routines and live patter.
I rushed down the motorway and got to the venue only a little late. The organiser was waiting outside, grateful that I had actually turned up. A small army of bar staff were co-opted into unloading the car while I found a legal parking spot.
Once inside I set up my sound system and retired to the lovely room they had allocated to me as a dressing room. The organiser came to see me, paid me (a strict requirement for this agent's jobs) and we agreed a schedule for the evening.
As I was running a little late I hurried to get ready for 9.45pm, the agreed start time. At 9.45 the organiser came in and said they were running 5 mins late. I was happy with that and she returned a few minutes later to say they were ready for me.
I made my entrance and went through my first two numbers to enthusiastic applause. Then it went wrong and I am blowed if I can make out why!
The most important rule when working a hen night with an actual bride-to-be present is to remember it is their night and they need to be centre of attention. Some gentle ribbing is obligatory. I ploughed straight in with some cheeky remarks about how flat her chest was and next thing I am beckoned to one side by the organiser and told to stop, leave the room and go home as the bride was upset!
Now the only thing I can think of is that the hen was sensitive about her breast size or had some sort of medical condition. In either case the organiser should have warned me that it was a delicate subject. I am not a mind reader!

Conversations

When I am working, during the break, I use the time productively to chat to my punters. I can pick up all sorts of things both about the audience and about women in general.
While the closest I have ever got to being inside a woman was a trip up the Stature of Liberty on a visit to New York, I have garnered an awful lot of inside knowledge from many chats in various beer gardens and smoking shelters at Ladies' Nights. Maybe a few straight guys should try listening to woman. They will definitely learn a few things to their advantage.
At a gig last night a woman asked me how I knew so much about girls and their feelings? Did I study them? Was I secretly straight?
Nope. I just listen.
I get told so many secrets. Some of them I wouldn't dream of repeating but most I regurgitate on stage night after night LOL
I had the gory details of botched boob jobs, half assed hysterectomies and butchered birth canals related to me in all their horror while I share a small sherry and a Lambert & Butler with an overweight Sharon in a very tight size 14 Primark special. My job is so glamorous!

The aftermath

Well, it is all over and done with.
How did it all go?
The theatre was half full, so that wasn't so bad
The technology all worked. We had a slight issue about cuing up the various elements on the computer but nothing that was detrimental to the show
The one thing that didn't go to plan, well two things actually, were the two new mime routines. Basically I ballsed them up! This was, I think, because I had spent all my rehearsal time perfecting my singing routines and had neglected the new mime numbers.
The stand-up went well despite, or maybe because of, a rowdy beer-filled audience and the improv, which is always a feature of my cabaret act, was a success.
So, on balance, the entire experience has been enriching (I learned to sing and made a whole load of new costumes) while teaching me a lesson (don't focus too exclusively on one aspect of new material).
What I will be taking forward is a determination to learn enough songs to be able to perform a completely live cabaret routine, a full hour, without mime numbers and without costume changes by the summer.
Big thanks to Upstairs at The Western and Dave's Leicester Comedy Festival for spurring me.

Two days to go!

Well, this is it. The final furlong (God that dates me!). The last of the costumes are finished, my last full day of rehearsals (I have lots on tomorrow, including a final singing lesson and a theatre visit in the evening) and all I have to do is sort out everything ready to be packed up on Saturday morning.
At 2pm Saturday I have a final full technical run through of the show just to make sure all my back-up team know what they are doing and ensuring that I can do all the costume changes in time. It also gives us an opportunity to ship all the costumes and props into the theatre while there are no customers around. It is no easy task transporting a trunk full of costumes, several pairs of shoes, a myriad of wigs and a box of props surreptitiously! LOL
Then it's back home for a rest and a final run through of my songs before getting back to the theatre for 9.30pm, two hours before curtain up.
Mine is not the only show on that night and the previous stand-up performance isn't due to end before 10.30 so I will be able to hear them from the dressing room (aka the kitchen). Time will tell whether this will soothe my nerves or make them worse.
Everybody at Upstairs at The Western have been incredibly supportive ever since the idea of me performing as part of Dave's Leicester Comedy Festival was first mooted back in last summer. So if it all goes tits up, it's their fault! LOL

Five days and counting

Five days to go and the pressure is building
Today I had a very productive meeting with Gary, the artistic director at Upstairs @ The Western. His input was invaluable as we ran through the technical requirements for my show. Initially the meeting was simply to check that the computer I was using would play OK through the in-house system and that the graphics would look good for the audience.
One thing we changed, and it was only because we had the time to discuss various options, was that we did away with the free-standing screen onstage and used the drop down one on the back wall. It gives a very much cleaner image and, with some backstage juggling, does away with the need for an extended changing area beside the stage.
We also came up with a workable method of videoing the show for 'posterity'. Something I was keen on doing for both my own benefit and for those friends who can't make it on the night.
So, it's back to my sewing machine to finish off the last costume, more rehearsals and a final voice lesson with my wonderfully inspiring voice coach, Carol

One week and counting ...

With just one week to go I have got most of the things done I need to get done.
The routines are written, the songs are learnt, more or less, and the graphics are all done.
I am just finishing off the very last new costume and it can all be packed away ready for transporting to the theatre.
On Monday I go into the venue to do an audio visual technical check; the projector has to be refocused, the screen has to be positioned and the computer has to be checked to make sure we have the leads and right software.
Then I have a week of intense rehearsals before a final singing lesson on Wednesday.
Saturday, the day of the show, we are having a full technical dress rehearsal at the venue along with my dresser, my computer operator and lighting engineer to ensure we all know where the cues are and to give me a chance for any last minute changes to the running times.
It is all a long way from my normal shows where I just turn up at a venue, stick the mini disk on and mime and patter my way to a crowd of horny women waiting for a couple of strippers to come on.
This is a proper theatrical experience which I am hoping will lead on to similar ventures.
Tickets still available on www.pariss.info/lcf

Busy busy busy

I hadn't realised just how much work would be entailed in bringing my new show to the stage.
Not only is there a whole new wardrobe of costumes to create but there is scenery (I know, it sounds unlikely, doesn't it?) and audio visual material to create.
I am learning so many new talents along the way; I have found that green screen film-making, just like in the movies, is available on any domestic computer! Watch out Peter Jackson I may yet challenge your Hobbit films with my very own Mistress of The Ring homage!
I have also taken the huge (to me) step of embracing singing and am having vocal lessons from a wonderful professional singer/coach of my acquaintance, Carol Leeming, who has agreed to undertake the immense task of moulding me into a semblance of a singer by February. Her courage and faith have to be admired!
I am hoping that by the time the show is ready I will be brave enough to go out on the road as a completely live act with no mime.

Dave's Leicester Comedy Festival

I am so excited to be performing at the Leicester Comedy Festival. I even have a page on the official website Dave's Leicester Comedy Festival
For those that have already seen one of my shows I hope that this night will demonstrate that there is more to me than a few glam frocks and some comedy mime. I intend this show to be a full audio visual treat with brand new costumes, brand new routines and a few surprises along the way.
For the first time I have put together a full theatre show which I hope eventually to tour
A limited number of tickets are still available on here

Me and my big mouth! - part 2

First off, let me reassure you that usually I only use the C-word as a last resort when dealing with hecklers. It is not a staple of my stand  up routines.

The other thing you need to understand about us performers is that sometimes, just occasionally, our mouths work so far ahead of our brains that stuff has tumbled out long before we have time to edit it. Mostly this works to our advantage. A pithy put-down is especially effective when shot out at lightening speed.

So, the story that I am not especially proud of except that it was hysterically funny, in retrospect.

I was recently working a cabaret booking with a regular stand-up comedian, someone I had never met before. As we had loads of time before the show we were sat outside the pub chatting, enjoying the last of the day's sunshine and a crafty shandy before I had to get ready.

As is often the case when someone realises that I am the drag act for the night, a middle aged woman came over to chat. One of the first things she asked was for me to pick on 'her friend'. I replied that that won't happen. The rule is that if YOU ask for a friend to be picked on then it will be YOU who gets singled out for abuse. She quickly changed the subject and the following conversation occurred:

Middle aged woman: "So where do you come from?"

Comedian: "He comes from his mother's womb"

My response, of which I am not proud, was automatic: "And until you came over I thought that was the only c*** I would ever see"

The comedian virtually wet himself, the woman laughed without knowing exactly why, otherwise she would have been mortally offended (I assume) and I stood there straight faced.

As I said, that is not a word I usually utter in my act and I am mortified that it slipped out. But sometimes you have little control over your mouth

Private parties

In my experience a fairly recent phenomenon is the house party whereby I am booked to perform to a small group of, usually, girls either in a house or in a hotel room.
This started to happen when the smoking ban came in and allows the girls to smoke at will. This, coupled with the financial depression, meant we still got bookings at the same fee.
My initial feeling was that, as I am a mime act designed to be watched from the auditorium of a venue with some sort of stage, it wouldn't work. However, by just scaling back my gestures, makeup and mannerisms, it has turned out to work very well.
I turn up with my PA system, set it up with a low sound setting and away we go. The audience are very close and can see every wrinkle but their experience is enhanced by having a very personal performance.
This weekend I performed for just 8 girls in a hotel suite and we had a whale of a time. The bride-to-be was beyond over-excited and told me the night had made the lead up to her wedding perfect. I always aim to please!